Meeting New People in Retirement

Others: “What do you do for a living?”
Me (enthusiastically): “I’m retired!”
Others: “What do you do with all your time?”
Me (smiling): “Dick around!”

Uncomfortable openers

I find it fascinating that it’s a cultural norm in America to ask new acquaintances what they do for a living. In our society, we’ve tied so much of our own identities (and social standing!) to our occupations.

When we as Americans don’t know what we are going to “do” next, it can feel unsettling. For many new retirees, this feeling can be a new one because society programmed our path up until then. Go to college. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have kids. Get a raise, promotion, or a new job. Then continue the career progression until you retire. What next? While many of those in politics believe our role is to be grandparents, many of us aren’t there yet!

So, this unsettling feeling can manifest itself in awkward social situations when meeting new people here in America. Sometimes, it can feel like answering that question “What do you do?” can just be a conversation killer and even make new retirees dread certain social situations.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

One observation my wife and I had after taking a month-long fasting visit to Germany at the beginning of my retirement journey (more on this later!) was that our European counterparts almost never opened conversations talking about work.

We had many different opening conversations. Of course, talking about the weather and the beautiful scenery of Lake Constance in the summer seemed common across all cultures. There were people from many different countries, so it was common to talk about where we were from, our favorite foods, different cultural traditions, or even how we might have reacted differently to current events or politics. However, even beyond our cultural exchanges, we found Europeans loved to share their favorite travel destinations, experiences, or even upcoming trips! We also got into topics about hobbies or favorite sports.

Eventually, topics about what people did for a living would come up, but occupation didn’t seem to play the same role in how people in other parts of the world get to start knowing each other! Conversations flowed pretty much the same way independent of occupation, across business people, civil servants, artists, retirees, or even those between jobs. Other cultures don’t seem to tie occupation as close to identity.

Who you are, not what you do

So, while my LinkedIn and personal website describe professional activities serving as a “consultant and board advisor to early stage companies”, this is somewhat of a cop-out. I do these things, but it’s also a very incomplete picture of what I really want to be doing with my life right now. It’s just an easy thing to say to people that aren’t really trying to get to know me.

In my own retirement journey, I’ve been “doing” a lot of different things, but I don’t think these things really define me. The list includes many capitalist activities, including different types of consulting (freelance project work, interim executive roles, executive coaching), volunteering in the local technology and business community, angel investing, direct private lending, co-founding (and later closing) a cool health app startup, and blog writing (not just this one, but also a health blog).

I’ve also been “doing” other non-capitalist types of things. Examples have included taking an online course from Princeton in Western Buddhism, working on myself and my relationships with therapy, and even working to cultivate deeper friendships.

(I’ll share all of these in more detail in future articles!)

However, the “doing” doesn’t really get at the core of the journey and my identity. In truth, I’m still looking to define succinctly in words my “who I am” and not by “what I do.” And, I’m still trying to figure out what I want to “do” when I grow up! Saying that doesn’t work that well in many social situations!

No need to justify ourselves

Overall, I am grateful that I can take this approach to my retirement, and I recognize this. One element here is my current choice of venue. It’s not quite as freeing as being at a fasting clinic in Germany, but I’ve found that people living in Portland generally appreciate the balance of life more than in Silicon Valley, where society seems to define others more by their occupation and social standing. Portland is “weird” in that regard!

There’s another element here, where a few one-liners, even among those that don’t understand, can bring people closer to the situation. If others ask me why I retired, I can easily let them know that I was burning out from being a tech exec in Silicon Valley and Seattle, and I wanted to explore other aspects of my life. People here generally nod and seem to understand. Of course, it’s a true story, but I also know there are others whose stories don’t “wrap up with a bow” quite as easily.

My wife, Marsha, made this observation during social gatherings in our lives in Silicon Valley. In our pre-retired life, the following conversation always led to a conversation-killer…

Others: “What do you do for a living?”
Marsha: “I’m a stay-at-home Mom.”
Others: What do you do with all your time?”

It can feel tough to explain to others why having a 24x7 job where the role is to put oneself last, after caring for children, a spouse, and often extended family members. It’s tough to always be expected to pick up slack for those who are “working.” Burnout among stay-at-home parents and caregivers is also real, and there’s a ton of data to back that up, too. However, many just don’t seem to understand, and it can remain hard to convey one’s identity without a clear “job description” in those occupation-oriented social circles.

And, it can feel tough to feel like we have to “justify ourselves” to explain our life decisions to others, particularly to total strangers.

My personal solution

In face-to-face interactions, when people ask me what I do with my time, I try to make light of it and try to humorously convey that I’m “dicking around.” I’ve found that people’s response to this conveyance helps me understand whether they are asking the question to understand my value in networking, what they can pitch me, my social status to “size me up”, or whether they’re actually really interested in what I might share and the journey I am on.

I’ve found it works pretty well to decide who I want to get to know better, too.