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During Covid I had a letter from the company that declared me an essential worker. I could get out with my papers and go to my lab, stores, restaurants, locally. My folks were like so many, stuck at home with only critical runs to the grocery store. They had been going on road trips with no destination. It forced me to put a GPS/Cellular tracker on their car to know where they were. It was necessary since dad’s 90 year old driving skills and attention was starting to show. I eventually had to take the keys for their own safety. Covid stopped that anyways.

I started bringing lunch over from restaurants barely surviving on DoorDash, Uber delivery and take out. I tried to help out the small mom & pop shops and did over 120 different take out places in Federal Way.

When the company’s travel restrictions were lifted, I got back on the road. Then dad got a blood cancer that progressed quickly and he passed just before Christmas 2021. I figured at some point in time I would be involved with my folk’s care but thought I’d be retired by then. I built my house in Federal Way only a few miles away from theirs back in 1996. Is it an Asian thing or generational thing that our parents want to live till the end in their house? I will not put my kids through what I’m going through as mom spirals into dementia. She would do so much better with peer social interaction as we’ve seen, taking her to local events on the weekends. And there are facilities that have a wide range of assisted living social interaction programs.

I’m not sure there are silver bullets to handle the guilt.

“We do it for the kids” translation from the Japanese-Americans during WWII.

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Bruce, thanks for sharing. This whole concept of caring for the aging parents in their own homes runs deep and is pretty complex. I'd be interested in whether what you are feeling is really "guilt" but rather so many factors just so deeply programmed, as you mention in either our heritage or our generation!

Marsha and I are both blessed to be the younger of siblings in our families. Both of our older siblings took on the primary responsibility for the care of our moms after our dads passed.

Marsha and her older brother are also Japanese-American. When their dad died back in 2001, Marsha's brother moved in with their mom in their family home until her passing in January. At one point, thinking it might be better for her socially, he had even offered to move into assisted living (a 55-plus community) with her, but she didn't want that. He did end up taking her on a lot of cruises with older people. I'm not sure I'd describe his commitment to her as being driven by "guilt" per se. There was just a sense that ran pretty deep about what the right thing to do was, and he just stayed very true to it.

To my older sister's credit, she moved in with our mom during the pandemic and also has been living with her ever since. Our mom is 90 years old now, and my sister is also committed to not putting our mom in any sort of assisted living for now, as she knows that it would break Mom's spirit. Being together is a lot of work for both of them, but I also don't think I'd describe that situation as "guilt" either. I also think that they see living together as just the right thing to do based on just so many influences.

To your point, I remain very concerned about my own potential onset of dementia and the potential impact on both Marsha and our kids. The good news is that dementia doesn't seem to run in Marsha's family on either side. Her 93-year old Mom was still sharp until she passed in her sleep. Her dad's 96-year old sister also remains an active and competent Las Vegas gambler!

Thanks again for sharing your introspection here. It's given me a lot to think about.

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