Am I responsible? Part III
"I never know whether to feel guilty or empathetic – it's like my chest is hosting a masquerade ball, and I can't tell who's who!"
Learning to express my own feelings and needs has been a journey involving many small steps. I’ve written two articles about guilt (“Am I responsible?” and “Am I responsible, Part II?”). This is the third installment on the same topic with a different take, which explores guilt versus empathy. I am working to resolve what emotion to feel when a loved one feels sad.
Hard to differentiate
Do I feel empathetic or guilty when someone is feeling sad? Why is this hard? So far, I’ve found three reasons:
It’s physically hard to tell the difference. One recommendation that therapists often give is to identify how emotions feel in one’s body. After all, research suggests that certain emotions can have specific physiological effects. For me, the problem is that both guilt and empathy for another’s sadness can both start in the chest. I’ve found it difficult to tell just by “listening” to my body.
These emotions are complex. There’s a lot of thinking, as well as emotional processing, to differentiate what’s happening. In this case, the thinking requires a real analysis of personal responsibility, which is why I’ve been calling these posts “Am I responsible?” (We can only “feel” guilty for things we decide, say, or do.) It’s often easy to blur the lines between simply feeling sad for and with the other person versus trying to solve the problem.
I’m likely a little neurodivergent anyway. My kids have told me that they think I’m “on the spectrum” and the more I research this, the more I tend to agree. Either way, per my post on introversion, I likely fall into this INTP stereotype.
“The INTP is naturally defensive about experiencing emotions, because it puts them in a vulnerable position. Having to come to grips with intense emotions can be challenging, as the INTP does not have as much experience handling them as other types.”
So the combination of these factors make it hard for me to tell the difference!
Why am I analyzing this?
Psychologists say there are two types of empathy: affective empathy and cognitive empathy.
Affective empathy is basically “feeling what others feel.” It is a quality that most people associate with empaths. Some people can share the emotions of others and respond the same way. For “Star Trek: The Next Generation” fans (I am one!), Deanna Troi, a Betazoid, experienced affective empathy.
Cognitive empathy, on the other hand, is the ability to “understand and recognize” another person's feelings. This skill involves reading situations and people, understanding what someone is feeling without necessarily feeling it. I think I experience the world more in this way. My path to developing empathy has been different from several others, and this is why I’ve been doing this analysis and reflection.
Obviously, I had to do one level of this type of reflection during my working life. I’ve valued exercises like leadership training and executive coaching to help me develop these skills in the context of the workplace. Now that I’m retired, I’ve found the whole path of “repairing damage in retirement” — particularly the much broader scope of my personal life — has required a whole new level of understanding.
So where does this lead?
I believe my natural response has been to problem-solve when someone is feeling sad. I can overwhelm myself by trying to control or solve bad situations, rather than letting nature take its course.
I need to understand that people can be sad, and it’s actually unreasonable to assume that people can be happy all the time or that they will always be able to get what they want. Emotions and unfulfilled dreams can live around me, and this is natural.
The ability to step back is what should open up my own clarity of mind to establish whether my own decisions, words, or actions have impacted the situation and whether there’s anything I could legitimately decide, say, or do to help. If there is an opportunity that I have not taken, I should pursue it. If there isn’t anything I can or should do, the right answer is to simply respond with empathy, not guilt.
This is all easy in concept, but it’s been a journey to implement!